Feeling 20 Something Again

It’s the eve of a first date.

A first date in almost 6 months. And 21 years.

So, actually, 258 months.

And I am so excited. So excited that I finished my work early and went to the mall. To find a new outfit!

Just like I used to do when I was 20 something.

I’m not sure what to wear to my first date. And one of the reasons I don’t know what to wear is because I’m not really sure what type of date I’m going on. Or, if it’s even a “date.” The man I’m spending time with invited me, originally, for coffee or a drink and “convo.”

Since then, the text conversations have been consistent, interesting, and fun.

For almost two weeks.

So when we negotiated this “first date,” it seemed we just wanted a chance to sit and talk, face-to-face. Like friends will do. We’re meeting at a local, hip restaurant/bar type of neighborly place. Which brings me back to, what am I supposed to wear to that type of “first date”? The venue is casual enough. In fact, I was there just about four weeks ago. Sitting around a table with a group of writers. Talking about marginalized voices and how to move those voices from their margined places to the center mainstream.

But to this comfortable venue, for a “first date,” I can’t justify jeans, Chucks, and a comfortable sweatshirt.

Which is my ideal comfortable.

It doesn’t seem to do a “first date”—after 258 months without a first date—justice.

There are certain things I keep in mind in considering what to wear.

1. I want something not-so-provacative to avoid giving the wrong idea, and yet,

2. I want something flattering to my slim and trim figure to give the right idea.

3. My outfit should be comfortable in case I have a few drinks that could lead to bloating, but also,

4. it should be fitted so that I can have a sense of my body and space and where all my parts are at all times. There’s nothing worse than leaning over the dinner table and having your boobs brush into some type of sauce that has spilled onto the sides of the plate.

I have a few outfit options in mind as I leave the mall, and back at home, with the kids home from school and fed and plugged into their choice of technology, I wonder if they wonder why I’m trying on so many clothes. And checking myself out in the mirror. Why I walk into the living room every now and then and ask my boy, “which shoes? Silver flats? Black Mary Janes?”

Non-committal, he looks up from the ipad World Cup Soccer tournament he’s playing and says, “Those first ones.”

Sometimes, when I go into my girl’s room where the only full-length mirror in the house stands, my girl makes comments to me like, “Stop trying on so many outfits,” or, “You shouldn’t wear that shirt because it’s see through,” or, “That shirt’s too tight.”

But not once does she ask me, why are trying on so many outfits? Or, why do you want to wear a shirt that is see-through? Or, why do you want to squish your boobs with that tight shirt?

And I surely don’t tell her.

After 40 minutes of this, I’m sweating.

And I logically conclude that I have to cancel. I don’t have anything to wear.

Just like I used to do when I was 20 something.

But then I remind myself that I’m not 20 something. That excuse won’t hold up. Not for Mr. Man—but I’m not really thinking of him. I’m mostly thinking about me. I am too old to worry about whether or not my outfit dazzles and impresses. Or whether or not my body in my outfit dazzles and impresses.

I remind myself that I’m going on a first date for friendship and adult conversation, something that I rarely received in the last 108ish months of my marriage. That I am meeting someone for dinner or a drink or whatever happens at that local, hip restaurant/bar type of neighborly place who is interested in “convo.”

So breathe, Me, breathe. Pull on an outfit. Smile. And savor the moment to have adult conversation with an interesting man who has asked for nothing but my company.


4 thoughts on “Feeling 20 Something Again”

  1. I like the way you come full circle…excited for a first date, an adult conversation, to terrified that you don’t have the correct outfit and you need to cancel, to excited for a first date.
    Have fun!


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